If your partner looks at someone else and you get angry, whose problem do you think that is? Who do you think is at fault? Whose responsibility is that?
Taking it a bit further, if your partner flirts with someone else and you get upset, angry or any other negative emotion, whose problem do you think that is? Who do you think is at fault? Whose responsibility is that?
The answer to all these questions is YOU. This has nothing to do with your partner at all. Sure, it is a lot easier to blame your partner (“if you didn’t, then I wouldn’t…”), but it is not fair, and more importantly, it will not solve anything.
The roots of jealousy lie in insecurity. If I could guarantee you, beyond a doubt, with 100% certainty that your partner would not cheat, would not leave you, and would find you to be the most attractive person in the world for the rest of their lives, would you still be jealous? Absolutely guaranteed, no doubts, no insecurity? Be honest here.
The answer is no. You wouldn’t. That is why it doesn’t bother you when a guy would talk with your husband or when your wife has an intimate conversation with her sister. It is because you do not perceive them as a threat to what you have.
It may be that you have a very good reason to be insecure. Maybe your partner has cheated on you in the past, or you’ve been cheated on by someone else. Or maybe even you yourself aren’t faithful, and you are projecting this on your partner. Even if this is true, ask yourself if that is the type of relationship you want to be in. Do you want to be in a relationship where you cannot trust your partner? Where you don’t know if they’ll be faithful to you? In a later article, I will address how to get over these very realistic feelings, based on the fact of insecurity.
For the purpose of dealing with jealousy, it doesn’t matter if the doubt you have about your partner is real or imaginary.
Your jealousy is a product of your own insecurity. It is a fear that you are not good enough, that your partner will leave you. Guess who is the only person who can change this? Exactly, it’s you.
By working on your own feelings, getting to the bottom of what it is that you are actually afraid of, and countering that, you will see that the feelings of jealousy will disappear. This is not easy. It is difficult to take a good look at yourself and realize the main problem is actually that you are afraid to be alone. Or that you are not sure your partner still finds you attractive. The only way to have your relationship survive is to face these facts.
If you try to take it out on your partner, and make them do or stop doing things so that you can be more secure, you will only end up feeling more insecure and make your partner miserable in the process.
In what areas of your relationship are you jealous and what is it that you are insecure about?