Hi, I am Sandra Scholman a Dutch woman living in Mexico with my husband. I started Intimacy and Romance to help you grow in your relationship and truly enjoy being in your relationship instead of just going through the motions.
I have been married to my loving and amazing husband Fernando for 5 years and we’ve been together for 7 years. Not exactly the world record in relationships, but yet if you sum up everything that happened in those 7 years you have a few lifetime’s worth of experiences:
- Different cultures (I’m Dutch, he is Mexican)
- My parents who do not like Fernando (and he does not like them)
- Starting and running a stressful business together (restaurant)
- Seeing that same restaurant go bankrupt and spiral into debt
- Surviving being stuck in a hurricane(Wilma 2006) and the aftermath (no water and electricity for nearly 2 weeks)
- Moving together to a new country (Belgium)
- Dealing with visa and immigration issues
- Fernando not being allowed to work for 9 months
- Living on one income that is barely enough (our “apartment” at the time was a basement room, with one bedroom and no heating. And it gets COLD in Belgium in winter time!)
- Fernando having difficulty finding work
- Moving on to a 2 income household, both with busy and stressful jobs in which we only saw each other on the weekend and in the weekday evening for a few minutes before going to sleep.
- Moving back to Mexico together and living with my in-laws for 6 months
In summary, that is the story of our life together. Add to that some depressions, panic attacks and just the general anxiety that happens when your life turns stressful and indeed I think we have lived more together than most couples do in a lifetime.
And yet we are still together and more importantly , we are happy together.
About my ideas
It takes work to create a fulfilling and loving relationship, but it shouldn’t be hard work. It should be enjoyable and fun to generate this loving space that is just yours and your partners.
My personal approach to creating a loving and fulfilling relationship is the following;
You cannot nor should you want to change your partner. If you don’t love them for who they are now, but for what they could be in the future, you don’t really love them at all.
You can however change yourself and your reactions and attitudes. Most of the time it is our thoughts that create friction and bad feelings, not the actions of someone else.
I am not the first and surely will not be the last who uses this philosophical approach to relationships (and life in general).
However, just these ideas and text will not help you get anywhere. Sure, it is easy to say “accept the other person” but how do you do that when they are too lazy to even walk 5 steps to the kitchen to clean up their own mess? “Make your partner happy” is easier said than done…
Although my idea’s are based on this basic philosophy I will not just leave you to figure out the how for yourself. I am a very practical person, and have not yet abandoned common sense. I will give you practical solutions that you can fit into your daily life.
Everybody has problems. Some problems are more complicated than others. I believe that the only person who can fix or change anything in a relationship are the two persons in it. No therapist or coach can solve your problems if you do not take action yourself. Only you know what is best for your specific situation. What I can help you with is to create a stable, loving, happy foundation from which you can openly discuss anything in a loving manner without blame and bad feelings.